Love of my Life – Part 4

Love of my Life – Part 4 – by P.K. Odendaal – October 2017 

I wish I could die whilst knowing that I
Could never be seen to have breached that stream
Which flowed from my heart right from the start
And kept me awake just for her sake 

And indeed it did never stop my endeavour
To try and make sure I would always endure
When love's own sweet grace would shine on my face
Like a blessing on me to let me go free 
And let me forget any kind of regret
As the years would go by without any sigh
Or as troubles would flee in the face of such glee.
I cannot explain the doubt and the pain
Nor the grief and the fear which came year by year
All I know is the fact that we messed up our act
As we stood with a frown when the curtain went down 

Yet I cannot be seen to go in between
And find some mistake we both didn't make
Or confirm the desire to end in quagmire
Just to arrive at this juncture alive
So that I can embellish the story I relish
Or forever remain in the spell of that game. 

Nowhere could I find the presence of mind
To dedicate the refrain to some lapse of my brain
Or make her to face the grief in my place
And to find out at last it was a thing of the past 

As I write this I find I have no axe to grind
To act in such way in this time of dismay
Better to move on as the years go along
And not to make the same old mistake
As lovers do when their love is through 

One should not seek truth in a flame of your youth
Or consider your fate when you clean up your slate
Never return to the love that did burn
And never desire to relight that fire
‘Cause it never will feel that the time would heal
The despair and the pain yet once again 

One can go on and on from the dusk to the dawn
And never to reach the reason of breach
In your quest for some light in these moments so bright
As these which I frame which were always the same. 

In case you have wondered how much I have blundered 
I have always stayed chaste through times of great haste
And never gave way to emotions which sway
To make reason do what emotions went through

Or let emotions go stray which were pent up by day
Always keeping in mind that love's always blind
Far too blind to see what had happened to me
And far too discreet to let the twain meet. 

In the end I stayed true to my own point of view
And never let go of the things I did know.
That overstepping the line may sometimes be fine
But losing my reason would end up in treason
And losing my heart would break us apart. 

So you see from my side there's nothing I hide,
And nothing so rude as remaining a prude
And nothing quite wrong with some wine and some song
But fate had to break this stupid mistake
And breaking the chord by using a sword

To rip us apart from the mind to the heart
Which was the vision I saw that made me withdraw
From the quest to contain that secret domain
Which pleased our inquest into things we loved best
Making moments we cared to be joys which we shared 

These figments of mind which made me so blind
Would ultimately destroy my hopes and my joy
And cause me to feel that my heart would not heal
And forever remain on the side lines of shame 

So I was sold down the river which still makes me shiver
For a currency so fray which would never repay
A future so strong as that which belong
To me and my soul in these times of parole. 

In these verses of mine you will find that I rhyme
The words hate, grief and pain or such other refrain
Not for their sake but for the purpose to make
The poem to read in a regular beat
As is custom to write by writers who fight
A new form of prose which has lately arose
From a desire which shows that anything goes

That in a poem like this there is nothing amiss
Even if nothing does rhyme for most of the time
Changing any good dream into something obscene
And failing to see it is bad poetry. 

The emotions I noted was never devoted
To the first love of mine and for most of the time
It was quickly corrected and always respected
As the sanctity of love which was sent from above. 

If you do find my poem unkind
Not telling too much of the way our souls touch
Remember my need is to remain quite discreet
And never to aspire to anything higher
Than exposing my emotion with only one notion
To show I remain a human with pain

With doubt and with grief that will mostly be brief 
But deep down inside I seldom can hide
The grief and the pain that lets me remain
A slave of my past and a member at last
Of human’s life lost at very great cost

And that was lost at very great cost
At Eden's gate which sealed Adam's fate.  
And caused God's Son to die in order to buy
A new life to gain our release from that shame. 

Written by myself in September 2017

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